Disappointments are very deep issues in the human heart. Aside from losing a loved one, they may be the next most emotionally exhausting aspect of life. A distant second compared to life and death, but hard nevertheless. Although few would understand the grief I’m having to face right now, I’m sure we’ve all been in a similar place. Disappointed. For me, it is dealing with a calf strain – which has come at precisely the wrong time, days before my next marathon. After failing to qualify for Boston last Fall, I have found myself putting together months of solid runs. Yet here I am facing the second running disappointment in a row. The first involved running over 3 hours only to fall short by 29 seconds. And now, incapable of running 100 meters let alone 26.2 miles. What is almost as mind-blowing is how my heart has dealt with my most recent disappointment.
For two weeks I’ve known about my injury. I’ve tried desperately to do all I can to restore my leg to running condition. Seeing therapists, purchasing products, taking rest, the list goes on. Four days out from Grandma’s Marathon and I still refused to believe I’d have to sit out – despite being unable to run a block. Interesting how I found myself running away from disappointment, from a difficult reality.
Why does it seem like I’m the only with disappointments? I’m not clueless – obviously others face them too. But I’ve never thought to ask others. And even in this postermodern era, people shy away from this type of vulnerability. Is it because it’s such a sensitive, personal issue? Is it because when you’re disappointed you don’t want to process it aloud? I certainly don’t. I do, however, want to get it out. The perplexing thought is how do I process this with God.
I can see how on-the-fence Christians start pointing the finger at God. Let’s be honest it’s stupid that any of us would do that. And I am not advocating we do. But that flesh side of us wants to shift the blame. We want to know why we had to go through that disappointment. Why me? Why that?
Several days ago I remember talking with God. I told him how I didn’t see running as a god to me. Rather, it was a place of spiritual retreat each time I ran. I checked my heart. Therefore it seemed appropriate to question God. “You’re in control right God – so why did you let this happen?” I’m not ashamed to confess that. I have yet to sense God’s disappointment in me saying that. Is it not written in Job – “In all this Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.” I’m absolutely confident God would rather us come knocking on his door with our complaints than to disregard God’s role in our everyday lives. But I still don’t feel comfortable putting this on God. Again, wasn’t his fault. But maybe God does have some involvement. What if ______? I’m waiting on God to complete that sentence. For him to reveal the good that will come in me missing this marathon – and therefore missing out on a much anticipated field trip to Boston in April.
God already started ministering to my soul. It came early in the book “Don’t Waste Your Life” – the book I’m currently working through. One quick line, so don’t miss it. Piper says “He [God] is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.” Let that minister to you this day.
May we allow God to help bear our disappointments rather than blame him for life’s disappointments. Within every disappointment is a dark place. Let us not run from God, or to sinful strongholds. But embrace the grace that will restore a right spirit within.
